From Counterterrorism to Counter Negotiation: Lessons from a 9-Year-Old

Last weekend, my wife, her best friend, her soon-to-be 9-year-old goddaughter, and I took an extended trip to the Wisconsin Dells. Normally, I’d think a birthday weekend for my wife would involve spa treatments, quiet meals, and maybe a little retail therapy. Instead, we spent our time negotiating — with a very determined child — what we were going to do.

The goddaughter was along because school was out and she needed to accompany her mom, while my wife’s real plan was to hang out with her best friend — the intended birthday celebration target. As we wandered the outlet malls, it quickly became clear that Riley wasn’t alone — nearly every other student of all ages was enjoying a school-free day.

Meanwhile, I was in no shape to keep up. Jet lag from last week’s national conference combined with the invisible gift of every germ from across the country had left me low speed, high drag. By mid-afternoon, I had gone from “sufficient speed and acceptable drag” to full-on liability.

I found entertainment and insight in one of my favorite activities: people watching. The mall is a stage, and children are some of the most unpredictable performers. Parents juggling shopping bags, teens texting their way through the day, toddlers negotiating with stubborn persistence — it’s a microcosm of human behavior, strategy, and social interaction. Watching our young guest decide between the “perfect” pair of shoes, I saw patience tested, bargaining tactics applied, and tiny triumphs celebrated. In that moment, my wife turned to me with a grin and said, “I bet you didn’t think you’d use your counterterrorism certificate when dealing with children.” And I laughed.

That comment got me reflecting. I often don’t draw direct parallels between my first career — military service and law enforcement to my current work in education, organizational behavior, and positive youth development. But in that mall, negotiating with a picky 9-year-old, the connections were obvious.

Situational awareness? Check. Watching the flow of the crowd, anticipating where a small human might bolt, and identifying potential bottlenecks in our shoe-shopping route? All old-school training, new-school application. In law enforcement and counterterrorism, situational awareness frameworks (like Endsley’s Levels of Situational Awareness, 1995) help officers perceive, comprehend, and project outcomes in dynamic environments. In a mall with a young negotiator, the principles are surprisingly similar.

Strategic patience and communication? Absolutely. Negotiating with someone who thinks they’re running the operation requires careful phrasing, timing, and occasional tactical retreats. Techniques drawn from negotiation theory (Fisher & Ury’s Getting to Yes, 1981) apply: focus on interests rather than positions, explore options, and maintain rapport. Replace “high-stakes hostage negotiation” with “shoe selection standoff,” and you’ll see the parallels.

Observation and pattern recognition? Key. Kids, like suspects or intelligence targets, follow patterns. Understanding those patterns allows for proactive strategies rather than reactive scrambling. Piaget’s stages of cognitive development remind us that a 9-year-old is moving toward operational thinking but still requires concrete guidance, while Erikson’s psychosocial stages highlight the development of competence and confidence at this age. Recognizing where a child is developmentally allows for intentional support rather than frustration.

Negotiation with children also engages the principles of emotional intelligence (Goleman, 1995) and growth mindset (Dweck, 2006). Framing choices, setting clear boundaries, and celebrating small wins reinforce self-efficacy and resilience. Effective guidance isn’t about control — it’s about scaffolding independence while nurturing curiosity and autonomy.

This is where Compass of Awareness ties it all together. Just as in high-stakes operations or organizational management, being fully aware of the environment, the people, and the dynamics at play is crucial. It’s about noticing what’s happening, reflecting on your own role, and making intentional, informed choices — whether you’re guiding a team of adults, mentoring a student, or navigating the mall with a determined goddaughter. Awareness allows us to see opportunities, anticipate challenges, and respond with empathy and strategy rather than frustration.

What’s exciting about this new frame of mind is how it scales beyond individual interactions to multi-generational staff and organizational leadership. Leading a team with a mix of generational perspectives — from Millennials and Gen Z staffers to seasoned Boomers — requires situational awareness, negotiation skills, and developmental insight. Just as I observed Riley’s patterns to anticipate her next move, I can observe staff motivations, strengths, and preferred communication styles to guide team dynamics. The same skills of patience, clear communication, and structured choices apply: framing challenges as opportunities, offering guided autonomy, and celebrating progress.

And when it comes to designing skill-building opportunities for young people, this lens is invaluable. Situational awareness helps me see where youth are ready to take on new challenges or where scaffolding is needed. Negotiation skills help me co-create experiences that are engaging yet developmentally appropriate. Observation and reflection allow me to adjust programming in real-time, ensuring that learning is active, personalized, and empowering. Every activity — whether a ropes course challenge or a STEM exploration — becomes an opportunity to teach problem-solving, self-regulation, teamwork, and confidence in ways that echo the very strategies I once applied in high-stakes environments.

By the end of the weekend, I was reminded that all the skills I honed in counterterrorism, law enforcement, and military service now have a new application: helping young people navigate challenges, negotiate boundaries, and find their own power — while also guiding multi-generational teams with empathy, strategy, and humor.